(no subject)

[eee1313]

I talked to Dad last night. He told me that Mom is having a terrible time in Michigan having to deal with my grandma. According to him, yesterday she said "Nine years is enough. I can't do this any more." And she either went out yesterday to look at nursing homes, or she's going today to do it. I know Dad is going up there today as well, so who knows what will happen.

I don't know what to think. On the one hand, this was a long time coming. My parents shouldn't have been taking care of her for so long. They weren't qualified to deal with it, to have to clean up her accidents, remind her how to use her fork during dinner, dress her and undress her every day... And it really did put a strain on their marriage, and still is putting strain on it.

On the other hand, for the two or so hours a day when she's conscious of what's going on around her, it's going to be so hard on her. She won't understand why it's happening, and she'll be so angry and scared. But that's two out of 24 hours. And when I say two hours, I'm being generous. The woman honestly has no life. She just exists. I don't know how much she even takes in of what's happening around her any more.

But my parents can't do this any more. They just can't. How much more of their lives should they have to sacrifice?

In a really morbid way, I'll be interested to see how this plays out. It could just all be talk. My mom might visit nursing homes and back out from guilt. Or because it's too expensive. I don't know.

I keep wanting to say that I'm a terrible person for wishing this, but I don't feel like I'm terrible for saying so: I wish she'd just die already.

Last week my oldest cousin drove in to visit Grandma and Uncle Joe at the new house. I guess my cousin was really broken up by her condition, how she doesn't recognize people and is just off in her own la-la land all the time. And while I understand that he has a right to feel upset, I just feel angry. Angry because his life hasn't been put on hold while life passes him by the way it has for my parents. Angry because he hasn't been around to witness this deterioration day by day, angry because he hasn't had to bathe her after she's had an episode and urinated all over herself and the furniture like I've had to do. Angry because he actually can remember what she was like before, whereas my memories of her are only the angry, dementia-riddled ones.

I don't know... At least I have the opportunity to put this out of my mind and go back to work. My mom doesn't have that at all.

Comments

[sunbrae.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I don't think you're terrible for wishing she would die. I would, too. And I'm so sorry for your parents and the time they've lost. Maybe your mom is worn down enough that she won't back out.

I'm sending you all good thoughts.

[eee1313.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sunny. I appreciate it, I really do.

[nutmeg3.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

You're not awful at all - and I hope your parents really do follow through and find a home for her, so they can enjoy the rest of their lives. I firmly believe that life is for the living, and merely breathing isn't living. You have every right to your anger, but please don't feel guilt along with it, because there's no need.

[dionneshea.livejournal.com]

You're not a terrible person at all. You want your grandmother to not be in pain, to not have to suffer. It just means that you love her.

I had no idea she'd been sick for so long. Your parents both have incredible patience if they're only considering the nursing home now. And I hope that if they do put her in the nursing home, that it improves the situation.

*hugs*

[noseyroser.livejournal.com]

I keep wanting to say that I'm a terrible person for wishing this, but I don't feel like I'm terrible for saying so: I wish she'd just die already.

It is COMPLETELY normal for family members and caregivers to feel like this. Taking care of an elderly person with many health problems is stressful, exhausting, demanding in a bunch of ways--Fiscal, emotional, physical etc. When someone reaches the point where they are burned out, it really is healthier for the patient to be placed in a long term care facility.

Also, it's very common for family members to feel guilty at being relieved when the patient finally dies. Again, normal.

And you know what? The truth is that in this country we are not okay with death. If my 99 yr old man hadn't gotten hospice, I would have had to call DCFS because of his refusal to eat. Because that would have been allowing a patient to kill himself. Yes. At 99.

Anyway, I didn't mean to soapbox on your lj, but know that I am sending good vibes of peace and healing to your family.

I'm with you!

[yakgirl.livejournal.com]

Hey- I completely agree that among all us grandkids, you've born the brunt of this whole thing. You deserve to be angry! My happy memories are few and far between, now, too.... I hope mom follows through. She can't take any more stress. If it makes you feel better, I tried their number so that Evan could chat during lunch today, and no one picked up. I hope she was out looking at places!

[abby20.livejournal.com]

It's definitely not terrible to feel the way you do. That isn't living, and that isn't a burden that your parents should have to deal with -- especially not for 9 YEARS, holy cow.

[bigboobedcanuck.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you family is still dealing with this. As you know, my grandma lived with us for three years until we put her in a home. It just wasn't fair to my mother, and although it was a hard decision, it was the right one. I 100% think your parents should get their life back. It'll be tough for your grandma, but enough is enough.

*hugs*

[boannan.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry for you, your parents, and your grandmother. It sounds like a nursing home is long overdue - my aunt divorced her husband over having to care for my grandmother in their home for too long. It was just too much. Best wishes for a good outcome!