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[eee1313]

I talked to Dad last night. He told me that Mom is having a terrible time in Michigan having to deal with my grandma. According to him, yesterday she said "Nine years is enough. I can't do this any more." And she either went out yesterday to look at nursing homes, or she's going today to do it. I know Dad is going up there today as well, so who knows what will happen.

I don't know what to think. On the one hand, this was a long time coming. My parents shouldn't have been taking care of her for so long. They weren't qualified to deal with it, to have to clean up her accidents, remind her how to use her fork during dinner, dress her and undress her every day... And it really did put a strain on their marriage, and still is putting strain on it.

On the other hand, for the two or so hours a day when she's conscious of what's going on around her, it's going to be so hard on her. She won't understand why it's happening, and she'll be so angry and scared. But that's two out of 24 hours. And when I say two hours, I'm being generous. The woman honestly has no life. She just exists. I don't know how much she even takes in of what's happening around her any more.

But my parents can't do this any more. They just can't. How much more of their lives should they have to sacrifice?

In a really morbid way, I'll be interested to see how this plays out. It could just all be talk. My mom might visit nursing homes and back out from guilt. Or because it's too expensive. I don't know.

I keep wanting to say that I'm a terrible person for wishing this, but I don't feel like I'm terrible for saying so: I wish she'd just die already.

Last week my oldest cousin drove in to visit Grandma and Uncle Joe at the new house. I guess my cousin was really broken up by her condition, how she doesn't recognize people and is just off in her own la-la land all the time. And while I understand that he has a right to feel upset, I just feel angry. Angry because his life hasn't been put on hold while life passes him by the way it has for my parents. Angry because he hasn't been around to witness this deterioration day by day, angry because he hasn't had to bathe her after she's had an episode and urinated all over herself and the furniture like I've had to do. Angry because he actually can remember what she was like before, whereas my memories of her are only the angry, dementia-riddled ones.

I don't know... At least I have the opportunity to put this out of my mind and go back to work. My mom doesn't have that at all.

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[eee1313.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sunny. I appreciate it, I really do.